Time for Self Preservation

Following another week long episode of self harm, suicidal attempts and hospitalisation, a conversation has sparked off a new lease of hope from within me.

Question: If you swept into a tornado and there is no way to escape, what can you do?
Answer: Nothing. You must be strong and hold still until the storm passes...

Question: What do you do when the storm inevitably passes?
Answer: You assess the damage - You check what emotional/physical damage has been done in order to heal yourself.

When a tornado comes and hits you with or without warning, you must say "STOP", ride the storm out without putting yourself into anymore unnecessary danger and once it has passes then and only then are you ready to evaluate the situation and use the time for Self Preservation.

Why is it so hard to maintain normality?

On good days, you really don't get what all the fuss is about...

Mental health issues? Me? I think there's been a mistake.....

Its not that I'm ever in complete denial about it all, but on days when I feel ok, not high not low, I just think to myself that it seems so easy to maintain that medium, level headed behaviour...

Question: What is it that makes it so hard to maintain normality?

I understand that we, as 'sufferers' have certain triggers that can unbalance and unsettle our mood massively but really these things can be so small in the grand scheme of things that when you feel 'normal' its almost impossible to comprehend why everyday is so different and why the most mundane happenings of life can have such a major impact.

Using the most recent example to highlight this; today I had a conversation with my best friend, updating her on my health and how I'd been coping. I mentioned that the new guy I was seeing had let me down on Sunday, due to a headache and how the affect of that feeling of being 'let down' had lead to my downfall of alcohol, drugs and promiscuity finally ending in a 4 day recovery period from hospital.

As I was explaining the story with my current 'normal' mind state I could see how ridiculous it sounded!! Why had I done that to myself?... He didn't 'let me down', he was ill!... It was out of any one's control and nobodies fault!... Pressing the self destruct button hurts no one but myself! ... It achieves nothing!!


However... being 'bad' feels so 'good'...


Not 'good', as in a typical 'good feeling', more a feeling of 'comfort' or 'release' of bad feelings.

Anyone that self-harms, whether it be by cutting yourself, punching yourself, or hurting yourself physically in someway, by taking unsafe amounts of medication, drugs and alcohol, or mentally torturing yourself;

Every cut, every punch, every sip, every pull, every sniff, every bit of pain you bring on yourself feels like a release of emotions, a rush of adrenalin...

And that is why we go back... because anything that gives you a 'high' is a form of addiction... 


Answer: It is the addiction that we must fight!!

Triggers...

I am sort of in the mind-set that if I can figure out what my 'triggers' are then this could potentially be a healthy way of preventing my self-harm, or downward spirals....

There are a few problems with this:

1. I have know and thought about this for years after being asked about my triggers before, and it hasn't solved anything, so why would it now.

2. What if the triggers are out of your control and there is nothing you can do to stop them.

In answer to myself:

1. Situations, environments and surroundings can change which make you more able to recognise your triggers and possibly ore adapt to deal with them so there is not harm in trying again.

2. You may not be able to control the situations that arise but you can theoretically control the way you deal with them.


My triggers

1. Being let down (main trigger): It could be by a friend, family member, health professional or someone I don't even know, but if I have something planned and set up in my head about something specific that will take place e.g. a meeting, phone call etc and it doesn't happen, then the consequences will result in a situation such a my blog from a couple of days ago.
2. Being alone: I live by myself and I have done for the past 10 years so being alone is something that is generally a normal thing for me, but when I'm feeling needy, helpless, or that feeling of empty loneliness, having no one around, no one to call, no one that understands just makes everything seem a million times worse for me and again, sends me on that downward spiral.

I need to discover my other triggers. I know there are more and I will try to identify them then update this post....

LET ME DOWN= ME GOING CRAZY= SEX, DRUGS AND ALCOHOL!!!

So I finally get myself out of this low mood after finally getting some sleep and actually managing to get some food down me (even though it was just a bowl of cereal) and all because I had plans to meet this guy....

Start getting ready as I just assumed the plan was still on... messaged him to confirm after getting semi-ready... Oh his got a fucking headache!!!
In my head I'm thinking, take a fucking pill and get the fuck over it!!! So I casually said, shall we leave it then? Thinking he'd say "No, no its cool" but he agreed!!!

Well that was it!


My mood almost immediately sunk, I wanted to smah everything up in sight, my anger was so overwhelming that I want to cry and scream at the same time!! Some how I managed to control it... only because I was talking to two other guys on bbm at the time... but it only cooled me down a bit!

Then something strange happened instead of going back to bed which is what I thought I'd do, I just started feeling really promiscious... I put my make-up on, big eye lashes etc then picked out matching underwear that didn't consist of my normal Bridget Jones! Put it all together, then messaged him saying that I'd come over and 'make him feel better'...!!

Well, the arsehole had obviously fallen asleep so...

I took some pictures of myself (which I have NEVER done!) and sent them to my ex...

Now I just want sex!  But I don't want it with my ex! Shit, what have I got myself into! Do I wait and see if Mr S wakes up and then go and see him or do I respond to the messages my ex is sending asking to come round!!!
Or I could just go to bed... Yeah Right!!! If nothing at all happens I will be PISSED!

Think I should take the edge off with an alcoholic beverage!! If only I had a spliff!!!

I need followers to advise me....!!

UPDATE!!!! - 4 hours later


Just had sex with someone thats been my friend for 15 years because he messaged me at the right time!

This was just as my ex said he was going to go to sleep instead of acting on all the messages he'd been teasing me with after I'd sent him those pictures!!!
I told him to never contact me again and to go fuck himself!!
On the drive home which ended with me taking half a gram of cocaine (which I've never done before, well to that extent, maybe a couple of lne max!), over half a bottle of vodka and having sex with the guy thats lying in my bed right now!! Shit!!! I promised myself I'd never give in and have sex with this guy after 15 yrs of him trying it on me!!!


LET ME DOWN= ME GOING CRAZY= SEX, DRUGS AND ALCOHOL