Following another week long episode of self harm, suicidal attempts and hospitalisation, a conversation has sparked off a new lease of hope from within me.
Question: If you swept into a tornado and there is no way to escape, what can you do?
Answer: Nothing. You must be strong and hold still until the storm passes...
Question: What do you do when the storm inevitably passes?
Answer: You assess the damage - You check what emotional/physical damage has been done in order to heal yourself.
When a tornado comes and hits you with or without warning, you must say "STOP", ride the storm out without putting yourself into anymore unnecessary danger and once it has passes then and only then are you ready to evaluate the situation and use the time for Self Preservation.
Sunday 30 January 2011
Friday 14 January 2011
Why is it so hard to maintain normality?
On good days, you really don't get what all the fuss is about...
Mental health issues? Me? I think there's been a mistake.....
Its not that I'm ever in complete denial about it all, but on days when I feel ok, not high not low, I just think to myself that it seems so easy to maintain that medium, level headed behaviour...
Question: What is it that makes it so hard to maintain normality?
I understand that we, as 'sufferers' have certain triggers that can unbalance and unsettle our mood massively but really these things can be so small in the grand scheme of things that when you feel 'normal' its almost impossible to comprehend why everyday is so different and why the most mundane happenings of life can have such a major impact.
Using the most recent example to highlight this; today I had a conversation with my best friend, updating her on my health and how I'd been coping. I mentioned that the new guy I was seeing had let me down on Sunday, due to a headache and how the affect of that feeling of being 'let down' had lead to my downfall of alcohol, drugs and promiscuity finally ending in a 4 day recovery period from hospital.
As I was explaining the story with my current 'normal' mind state I could see how ridiculous it sounded!! Why had I done that to myself?... He didn't 'let me down', he was ill!... It was out of any one's control and nobodies fault!... Pressing the self destruct button hurts no one but myself! ... It achieves nothing!!
However... being 'bad' feels so 'good'...
Not 'good', as in a typical 'good feeling', more a feeling of 'comfort' or 'release' of bad feelings.
Anyone that self-harms, whether it be by cutting yourself, punching yourself, or hurting yourself physically in someway, by taking unsafe amounts of medication, drugs and alcohol, or mentally torturing yourself;
Every cut, every punch, every sip, every pull, every sniff, every bit of pain you bring on yourself feels like a release of emotions, a rush of adrenalin...
And that is why we go back... because anything that gives you a 'high' is a form of addiction...
Answer: It is the addiction that we must fight!!
Mental health issues? Me? I think there's been a mistake.....
Its not that I'm ever in complete denial about it all, but on days when I feel ok, not high not low, I just think to myself that it seems so easy to maintain that medium, level headed behaviour...
Question: What is it that makes it so hard to maintain normality?
I understand that we, as 'sufferers' have certain triggers that can unbalance and unsettle our mood massively but really these things can be so small in the grand scheme of things that when you feel 'normal' its almost impossible to comprehend why everyday is so different and why the most mundane happenings of life can have such a major impact.
Using the most recent example to highlight this; today I had a conversation with my best friend, updating her on my health and how I'd been coping. I mentioned that the new guy I was seeing had let me down on Sunday, due to a headache and how the affect of that feeling of being 'let down' had lead to my downfall of alcohol, drugs and promiscuity finally ending in a 4 day recovery period from hospital.
As I was explaining the story with my current 'normal' mind state I could see how ridiculous it sounded!! Why had I done that to myself?... He didn't 'let me down', he was ill!... It was out of any one's control and nobodies fault!... Pressing the self destruct button hurts no one but myself! ... It achieves nothing!!
However... being 'bad' feels so 'good'...
Not 'good', as in a typical 'good feeling', more a feeling of 'comfort' or 'release' of bad feelings.
Anyone that self-harms, whether it be by cutting yourself, punching yourself, or hurting yourself physically in someway, by taking unsafe amounts of medication, drugs and alcohol, or mentally torturing yourself;
Every cut, every punch, every sip, every pull, every sniff, every bit of pain you bring on yourself feels like a release of emotions, a rush of adrenalin...
And that is why we go back... because anything that gives you a 'high' is a form of addiction...
Answer: It is the addiction that we must fight!!
Wednesday 12 January 2011
The Ex....
After my recent incident and the hospital sending me home to rest up, my ex Daniel came up briefly last night... same old chit chat
"what did you do this time?"
"why?"...
No mention as ever of if I'm ok, or if I need anything, have I eaten etc...
and however many times he doesn't ask me those things over the last 11 years of being in my life it still never gets any easier and still never hurts any less.
He asked me what it was that I wanted or I thought would make me better...
The answer as always was that I needed someone to look after me instead of me always looking after everyone else my whole life.
He told me I should look for a Pisces because they are caring (he's a Pisces) so I responded saying I would never have one of those again for obvious reasons and he didn't take it too well because he is still oblivious to the fact his never actually helped me or been there for me like I needed him to.
He txted me a couple of hours later saying that I'd upset him and to call him when I woke up.. I didn't.
He just called me and we got into an argument about what I'd said to him and that I don't realise that I hurt him and that's why he does the things he does..but he couldn't say how I hurt him only for the fact that I say things to push him away, like telling him never to contact me again etc... but that is only as a direct response to him abandoning me when I need him and his not there.
He said that I was never going to find anyone, and that no one would ever take me on with my illness because I make it to hard for people to love me or care for me.
I don't think that's 100% true though, because when I know I can trust someone not to walk out of my life and abandon me then I will be fine if I know they will always be around. I will feel secure and will have no reason to push them away.
On the other hand for me to get to that stage seems impossible, because every time I get close to someone I push them away for the smallest things, therefore never getting to the point where I can see if that person will be good for me.
Its a never ending spiral.....
"what did you do this time?"
"why?"...
No mention as ever of if I'm ok, or if I need anything, have I eaten etc...
and however many times he doesn't ask me those things over the last 11 years of being in my life it still never gets any easier and still never hurts any less.
He asked me what it was that I wanted or I thought would make me better...
The answer as always was that I needed someone to look after me instead of me always looking after everyone else my whole life.
He told me I should look for a Pisces because they are caring (he's a Pisces) so I responded saying I would never have one of those again for obvious reasons and he didn't take it too well because he is still oblivious to the fact his never actually helped me or been there for me like I needed him to.
He txted me a couple of hours later saying that I'd upset him and to call him when I woke up.. I didn't.
He just called me and we got into an argument about what I'd said to him and that I don't realise that I hurt him and that's why he does the things he does..but he couldn't say how I hurt him only for the fact that I say things to push him away, like telling him never to contact me again etc... but that is only as a direct response to him abandoning me when I need him and his not there.
He said that I was never going to find anyone, and that no one would ever take me on with my illness because I make it to hard for people to love me or care for me.
I don't think that's 100% true though, because when I know I can trust someone not to walk out of my life and abandon me then I will be fine if I know they will always be around. I will feel secure and will have no reason to push them away.
On the other hand for me to get to that stage seems impossible, because every time I get close to someone I push them away for the smallest things, therefore never getting to the point where I can see if that person will be good for me.
Its a never ending spiral.....
Tuesday 11 January 2011
Triggers...
I am sort of in the mind-set that if I can figure out what my 'triggers' are then this could potentially be a healthy way of preventing my self-harm, or downward spirals....
There are a few problems with this:
1. I have know and thought about this for years after being asked about my triggers before, and it hasn't solved anything, so why would it now.
2. What if the triggers are out of your control and there is nothing you can do to stop them.
In answer to myself:
1. Situations, environments and surroundings can change which make you more able to recognise your triggers and possibly ore adapt to deal with them so there is not harm in trying again.
2. You may not be able to control the situations that arise but you can theoretically control the way you deal with them.
My triggers
There are a few problems with this:
1. I have know and thought about this for years after being asked about my triggers before, and it hasn't solved anything, so why would it now.
2. What if the triggers are out of your control and there is nothing you can do to stop them.
In answer to myself:
1. Situations, environments and surroundings can change which make you more able to recognise your triggers and possibly ore adapt to deal with them so there is not harm in trying again.
2. You may not be able to control the situations that arise but you can theoretically control the way you deal with them.
My triggers
- Being let down (main trigger): It could be by a friend, family member, health professional or someone I don't even know, but if I have something planned and set up in my head about something specific that will take place e.g. a meeting, phone call etc and it doesn't happen, then the consequences will result in a situation such a my blog from a couple of days ago.
- Being alone: I live by myself and I have done for the past 10 years so being alone is something that is generally a normal thing for me, but when I'm feeling needy, helpless, or that feeling of empty loneliness, having no one around, no one to call, no one that understands just makes everything seem a million times worse for me and again, sends me on that downward spiral.
I need to discover my other triggers. I know there are more and I will try to identify them then update this post....
Sunday 9 January 2011
My unreasonable wish list
OK so I believe everything in the last post is completely reasonable to want, hope and expect from life....
What I know is unreasonable to wish for is the following....
✗ My Dad to never have had the stroke
✗ For my Dad to be able to walk and talk to me
✗ For my Mum to have shown me love, affection and support when I needed it or anytime really
✗ For 90% of my family not to have died around me
✗ For my remaining family to have recognised and understood that there was something wrong with me
✗ For doctors to have diagnosed me with BPD years ago instead of depression then Bipolar for 11 yrs!
✗ Not given into my promiscuity pretty much every time I'm in that situation
✗ To have never go back into abusive relationships even after the damage has been done...I never learn!
✗ Learnt to say 'NO!'
✗ Not to have trusted so many people, even when I say I will never trust anyone again...always do...
✗ To never have given into drugs.. considering when I'm 'normal' I curse the affect of them
✗ Not let other people's decisions and remarks affect me (e.g minor let-downs)
✗ No how to control my manic depressive mood swings
✗ Not said some of the horrible, crazy, strange, mean, dismissive things I've said to people
✗ NOT TO HAVE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER!!!
I believe this is unresonable either because they were situations out of my control or because I put myself in the situation because of the triggers of my condition...
What I know is unreasonable to wish for is the following....
✗ My Dad to never have had the stroke
✗ For my Dad to be able to walk and talk to me
✗ For my Mum to have shown me love, affection and support when I needed it or anytime really
✗ For 90% of my family not to have died around me
✗ For my remaining family to have recognised and understood that there was something wrong with me
✗ For doctors to have diagnosed me with BPD years ago instead of depression then Bipolar for 11 yrs!
✗ Not given into my promiscuity pretty much every time I'm in that situation
✗ To have never go back into abusive relationships even after the damage has been done...I never learn!
✗ Learnt to say 'NO!'
✗ Not to have trusted so many people, even when I say I will never trust anyone again...always do...
✗ To never have given into drugs.. considering when I'm 'normal' I curse the affect of them
✗ Not let other people's decisions and remarks affect me (e.g minor let-downs)
✗ No how to control my manic depressive mood swings
✗ Not said some of the horrible, crazy, strange, mean, dismissive things I've said to people
✗ NOT TO HAVE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER!!!
I believe this is unresonable either because they were situations out of my control or because I put myself in the situation because of the triggers of my condition...
What is so wrong with me? - My simple wish list
What is so wrong with me that I can't have a 'normal' relationship/ family/life?????????
I'm not a self confident person at all but if I was to be honest, I know that I'm an intellegent person... fully educated in college, University degree, well read etc.... Looks wise, again this is where I'm most self concious but there's only one person that people have said I look like if anyone and that Mariah Carey... she's my idol so I don't necessaily agree but I guess when enough people say something you kind of start thinking there must be some truth in it.
So WHY????!!!
If I'm intellegent and good looking then why can't I have the 'normal', safe and secure lifestyle that I crave and wish everyday for....
♡ ♡ A mutally loving relationship where neither of us need, want or think of straying♡ ♡
♡ ♡ A little 2 up 2 down house with a drive, garage and little garden (for the kids) ♡ ♡
♡ ♡ Children- One, two, three kids.. girls/boys... I don't mind ♡ ♡
♡ ♡ A normal job, like I had in the City, both earning... or if I'm not well then just him ♡ ♡
♡ ♡ Not rich, just enough money to pay the bills, survive, and maybe a yearly holiday ♡ ♡
♡ ♡ An open house, anyone is welcome - come in for a drink, dinner, a chat, advise, whatever ♡ ♡
♡ ♡ LOVE- UNCONDITIONAL LOVE FOR MY HUSBAND, MY KIDS, MY LIFE ♡ ♡
IS THAT UNREASONABLE??????!!!!!!!
I'm not a self confident person at all but if I was to be honest, I know that I'm an intellegent person... fully educated in college, University degree, well read etc.... Looks wise, again this is where I'm most self concious but there's only one person that people have said I look like if anyone and that Mariah Carey... she's my idol so I don't necessaily agree but I guess when enough people say something you kind of start thinking there must be some truth in it.
So WHY????!!!
If I'm intellegent and good looking then why can't I have the 'normal', safe and secure lifestyle that I crave and wish everyday for....
♡ ♡ A mutally loving relationship where neither of us need, want or think of straying♡ ♡
♡ ♡ A little 2 up 2 down house with a drive, garage and little garden (for the kids) ♡ ♡
♡ ♡ Children- One, two, three kids.. girls/boys... I don't mind ♡ ♡
♡ ♡ A normal job, like I had in the City, both earning... or if I'm not well then just him ♡ ♡
♡ ♡ Not rich, just enough money to pay the bills, survive, and maybe a yearly holiday ♡ ♡
♡ ♡ An open house, anyone is welcome - come in for a drink, dinner, a chat, advise, whatever ♡ ♡
♡ ♡ LOVE- UNCONDITIONAL LOVE FOR MY HUSBAND, MY KIDS, MY LIFE ♡ ♡
IS THAT UNREASONABLE??????!!!!!!!
Am I getting worse?
What is worse???? Wanting to kill myself VS Shutting it all out with sex, drug and alcohol????
How can you gage if your getting worse or not?
For example right now... I'm not suicidal, not typically self harming....
But I'm sitting here after snorting half a gram of cocaine which I've never done before, a guy sleeping in my bed that I've just fucked and left with no feelings what so ever and I've drank a 3/4 of a 2 litre bottle of vodka...
Its 3:30am!! Not tired at all....
Last night I fell asleep about this time after getting myself drunk and high from weed following days of not sleeping or eating.... I thought that was it and here I am after being 'let down' doing this shit to myself.... but at the moment it feel kind of good... dirty, fucked up but good....
How can you gage if your getting worse or not?
For example right now... I'm not suicidal, not typically self harming....
But I'm sitting here after snorting half a gram of cocaine which I've never done before, a guy sleeping in my bed that I've just fucked and left with no feelings what so ever and I've drank a 3/4 of a 2 litre bottle of vodka...
Its 3:30am!! Not tired at all....
Last night I fell asleep about this time after getting myself drunk and high from weed following days of not sleeping or eating.... I thought that was it and here I am after being 'let down' doing this shit to myself.... but at the moment it feel kind of good... dirty, fucked up but good....
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