Wednesday, 12 January 2011

The Ex....

After my recent incident and the hospital sending me home to rest up, my ex Daniel came up briefly last night... same old chit chat
"what did you do this time?"
"why?"...
No mention as ever of if I'm ok, or if I need anything, have I eaten etc...
and however many times he doesn't ask me those things over the last 11 years of being in my life it still never gets any easier and still never hurts any less.
He asked me what it was that I wanted or I thought would make me better...
The answer as always was that I needed someone to look after me instead of me always looking after everyone else my whole life.
He told me I should look for a Pisces because they are caring (he's a Pisces) so I responded saying I would never have one of those again for obvious reasons and he didn't take it too well because he is still oblivious to the fact his never actually helped me or been there for me like I needed him to.

He txted me a couple of hours later saying that I'd upset him and to call him when I woke up.. I didn't.

He just called me and we got into an argument about what I'd said to him and that I don't realise that I hurt him and that's why he does the things he does..but he couldn't say how I hurt him only for the fact that I say things to push him away, like telling him never to contact me again etc... but that is only as a direct response to him abandoning me when I need him and his not there.

He said that I was never going to find anyone, and that no one would ever take me on with my illness because I make it to hard for people to love me or care for me.

I don't think that's 100% true though, because when I know I can trust someone not to walk out of my life and abandon me then I will be fine if I know they will always be around. I will feel secure and will have no reason to push them away.

On the other hand for me to get to that stage seems impossible, because every time I get close to someone I push them away for the smallest things, therefore never getting to the point where I can see if that person will be good for me.

Its a never ending spiral.....

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