Its been a fucked up week for me in terms of my emotions. I spent most of Christmas and New Year hibernating in bed, only really going down to the day hospital when I could get myself out.
All of a sudden I went on this date with a guy I'd met online. We'd been talking for a while but I had no preconceived ideas on what to expect and this guy wasn't necessarily high up on my table of guys I'd narrowed my search down to from the dating website I've been using for the past couple of months.
Anyhow, I met this guy and we hit it off straight away. There was just a connection, he was so sweet and caring and attentive. I felt so comfortable in his presence that time just flew by.
Obviously awkward situations came up when he kept asking what I did during the day, why I wasn't working, how I afford to live with no job etc.. but given that it was only the first date I wasn't about to tell this guy that I'm a mental health in-patient at a day hospital!!!
However after hours of talking he just said that he knew I was hiding something and would rather I just laid it out to hm and told him the truth... so I did!
After explaining what was necessary without going too deep, he said the most unforgetable thing... He said "So what shall I do now?... Do I google your condition? Get a book? and read up about it?"
I couldn't believe it!!!
My ex fiance who had seen me do every crazy thing I'd done practically, seen me in and out of hospital over the 10 years we were on and off and not once had he ever tried to learn about my condition, yet here was this guy who I'd just met and his willing to research it in order to make sure he can do what is necessary not to jepordise my health.
So, obviously that sent me on a massive high... that was the Monday night... couldn't sleep from all the obsessive things going through my mind... Us getting married, where, when, babies, houses, areas to move to, meeting friends, family... planning everything about our lives together and how in my head it was going to be (typical BPD behaviour) but I just couldn't stop myself...
Thoughts turned from overwhelming happyiness to moments of crying.
I gave up tryng to sleep by which time it was time to make my way to the day hospital. After a discussion about it with my key worker, the one thing I took from the converstion is that I needed to "get of this magic carpet ride and come back down to reality"
This fucked me up and sent me spiralling down, that evening during the start of what would be a 3 day crying session, I told the guy I couldn't see him anymore, I deleted him from my Blackberry Messenger (which we were using to keep in contact) and continued to cry uncontrollable, throw things, beat myself up... the usual shit...
I went to the hospital two days later and they gave me extra medication to get me through this patch but by this point I hadn't eaten or slept for 4 days (except for the odd 2 hours here and there)
During this time, I have reconnected with the guy (we'll call him Mr S) and he is being so understanding about it all, he just wants to know everything so he is well prepared..bless him... lets just hope I don't fuck it up again!
This is now the 6th night I'm attempting to go to bed and sleep... I've eatten a little something today which may help and smoked a lot of weed (which has actually had no affect on my sleep over the last 6 nights) but I just hope I can get a good nights sleep and wake up refreshed... PLLLLLEEEEAAAASSSEE!!!
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